Cold as Steel
by proudtobeamerican18
Summary: Not my usual forte, but this is a songic: Hello World by Lady Antebellum. Even if you aren't a big fan of songfics, please read and review, I'm not a big fan of them either. Even in the aftermath of devestating loss, Jack finds some comfort. Family/Team


**Disclaimer: I own nothing recognizable from Sue Thomas F..**

"There you go, Mr. Hudson," the young receptionist said with a kind smile, stapling his ticket to his receipt with a sense of finality. "Welcome back Washington D.C.."

Jack merely nodded, unable to conjure up the smile that he knew the young woman expected in return. Grabbing his leather duffle bag from the polished tiled floor at his feet, Jack hoisted the strap onto his shoulder and turned from the desk toward the crowded and noisy waiting area. Nonchalantly, he selected a worn green and blue polyester chair at the end of the farthest row, close to the revolving doors and clean, clear windows that reached from floor to ceiling. The only sounds capable of breaking through the deafening buzz of the array of conversations was that of propellers and monsterous engines outside the large airport as flights came and went.

Glancing up to the corner of the large black screen that displayed arrival and departure times, Jack checked the time. His flight had been around half and hour early in arriving and the daunting task of merely waiting for his ride to arrive seemed almost too much to handle.

He did not need time to himself. He did not need time to think...time to ponder...time to obsess.

His mind would only return to the same to the same pathways and crossroads that it had for months. His mind would only return to them...to his loss. It would only return to his family...the family that he was never really given a chance with.

Eleven months had passed, yet, it still felt as though he had only set down the phone in the bullpen after recieving the call that had forever changed his life...that had forever changed him.

He was not the same man that he had once been. He knew that. Nothing interested him anymore. Nothing held his attention, if it had even managed to gain it in the first place. His mind had taken refuge into itself, becoming his own personal prison...his own personal torture chamber. His mind gave him no rest, no moment to breathe without pain, no moment to feel even the slightest fleeting emotion of anything other than those that he had been feeling for months. Anger. Sorrow. Regret. Devestation. Hatred. Longing. Pain.

His physical aspects had taken no less of a toll. He had taken to avoiding mirrors like the plague. Mostly because everytime he looked into one, a part of him expected to see her slip up behind him, her hair still messy and disheveled from the night before. A part of him always expected to feel her small arms encircle his broad back and twist her hands to form the sign for _I love you_ onto his bare chest as he felt her press her warm lips to the back of his shoulder and then smile in the silly yet seductively mischevious way that was completely and totally his wife...that only his wife was capable of. A part of him always expected to look into the corner of the mirror after she pulled away and be afforded the pleasure of watching her slip off her house coat and slippers, then nightgown, and step into the shower after smiling at him again briefly before he left the bathroom to prepare breakfast for their children. So many of his mornings had started as thus, drifting along into day and then night, leaving him in a permanent state of perfect bliss and happiness.

However, the haunting memories was not his only taboo against catching his own reflection. In only eleven months, he and those around him had watch himself fade from the charming, optomistic, active, excited, caring, determined, and compassionate younger version of himself into...well, what he was now. Whatever it was that he was now was almost like a vague ghost of his former self. An empty exoskeleton that resembled a much grayer Jackson Samuel Hudson. Dark circles had formed around his eyes and his flesh had lost all of its lively color, probably due to his lack of sunshine and nature, in general, but it left him with a permanent sullenness about him. Even his dark brown, almost black hair, had prematurely lightened around his temples and a little farther into the salt and pepper gray that reminded him strangely of his father and grandfather. The beginnings of wrinkles in his forehead was yet another reminder of the decades of years that he seemed to be suffering from without actually living them. Never mind the latest visit to his cardiologist that the Bureau had insisted he make after his second heart attack three months ago.

"Jack?"

Jack failed to hear his name uttered from close behind him and only pulled his thoughts away enough to look up at Bobby when he felt him tap on his shoulder insistantly. Jack stood from his seat and grabbed his bag again.

The walk out to Bobby's car was silent on both mens' parts; one man lost in a dark world all his own, despite the bright beauty of the day, and the other watching the shadow of his closest of friends carefully.

"Umm," Bobby said after several long minutes of silence, lightly tapping on the breaks as the traffic came to another stand still. "I talked to the landlord from your old building...he said that it would be alright for you to move back into your old apartment. I thought that that one would be good for you...I know how much you liked it. And...it's good to have you back, mate."

Jack met Bobby's eyes deeply, not feeling the slightest sense of shame; he could be completely and unreservedly himself in front of Bobby. One of the only two people in the world that he had ever really been able to say that about. But Bobby was now all that he had left.

_Traffic crawls, cell phone calls,_

_Talk radio screams at me._

_Through my tinted window, I see,_

_A little girl, rust red minivan, _

_She's got chocolate on her face, got little hands, _

_And she waves at me. _

_Yeah, she smiles at me. _

Glancing out the passenger side window in silence, Jack watched the afternoon commuters, both within their vehicles and roaming the sidewalks.

Washington D.C.. The city that had been his home...their home. Their meeting place...their heaven...the place where they had decided to raise their children. Home.

A small movement in the corner of his eye caught his attention and drew his gaze from its place on the drainage gap in the sidewalk to the large red van beside them. Looking up into the back window, Jack saw a small girl, probably three or four, with little blond curls, her face close to the glass. Her tiny arms were crossed on the side of the van and her chin rested on them. Her little pixie face was covering in chocolate as her eyes roved the loud beeping and honking cars along the road. After a few seconds, her bright hazel eyes landed on Jack's and a darling smile broke over her face. She lifted one hand from where her head was perched and waved at him with her fingers in an adorable childlike manner.

The traffic began to move again, and the red minivan beside them turned right down another street. The small smile that pulled at the corner of his lips shocked even him to the core as he watched the van disappear down the avenue.

"It's good to be back, Bobby," Jack finally said, not meeting Bobby's eye, but knowing sensing the effect of his words when Bobby turned to look at him and nodded his head slowly.

It was so strange to smile. He had been long out of practice. Eleven months, in fact.

_Well, hello world. _

_How you been? _

_Good to see you, my old friend. _

_Sometimes I feel as cold as steel, _

_Broken like I'm never gonna heal. _

_And I see a light, a little hope in a little girl. _

_Hello world. _

"Want to come and grab a bite, Jack?" Demetrius asked, turning back to Jack as he left the bullpen.

"No thanks, D.," Jack answered, clicking his computer into sleep mode.

He stood from his desk. Her desk. During his time gone, they had replaced her, but when he returned to refill his abandoned position, he had insisted on having her old desk. He would not allow the cocky arrogant rookie that was now a part of their team to degrade anything of hers, any part of her, anything that reminded him of her.

"Demetrius," Jack continued, coming to stand in front of his friend, and now supervisor. He rubbed at the painful ache in his neck and shoulder; he had not been sleeping well. "Actually...I was hoping to take a few more hours for lunch. I...I haven't been to see them."

Demetrius nodded his understanding at the tears forming in his young friend's face and put a hand on his shoulder briefly.

"Take the rest of the day," Demetrius granted him. "Tell them I love them, for me."

"I can't take the rest of the day," Jack corrected him thankfully, clearing his throat and wiping away the one tear that escaped him. "I don't need that...it would be better if I come back a little later...But I'll tell them."

Silently, Jack followed Demetrius from the bullpen. They met Bobby, Tara, Myles, and Lucy in the elevator and began their decent down. Jack could feel the eyes on him, but he knew their benevolence, even if it still hurt. The team was still his family...strong in their binds together, despite their devastating loss. They weren't the same, and never would be, but they were his family. His only family, now.

He parted with his family on the ground floor, taking the side exit towards the parking garage as they watched him before moving on down the sidewalk towards the diner that had been their favorite for several years.

_Every day I drive by a little white church,_

_It's got these little white crosses, _

_Like angels in the yard. _

_Maybe I should stop on in, say a prayer. _

_Maybe talk to God like he is there. _

_Oh, I know he's there. _

_Yeah, I know he's there. _

Jack closed the door to his car quietly, unwilling to disturb the peacefulness around him. The small white church really was beautiful in the spring time. Nothing about this church really matched the bustling city of D.C. that towered over it from every side, but that had been what she loved about it the most. It was an old church, fenced in by a rustic metal gate, and left as the only preservation of an older D.C.. Its congregation obviously loved it as much as she had...as much as she had influenced him to come to love it. He had even taken the time to help lay new shingles one autumn a couple of years prior when the pastor had been asking for donations and help to replace the old building with a new roof for the coming winter.

As he stepped onto the sidewalk and sidestepped a couple pushing a stroller, he felt the strange burning inside his chest again. Crossing the sidewalk, he pushed open the gate and closed it beside him. It had been so long since he had stood in this yard. The last time had been their funeral. He had not managed to bring himself to revisit it since.

_One step at a time, Jack. One step at a time. _Jack's legs began to feel as though they would faulter at any moment, his heart racing in his chest as the pain began to compound and his began to come in labored and ragid gasps and draws.

There they were. As he stepped around the corner of the small church, Jack's eyes fell on three white crosses, distinctive against the other marble or stone headstones and markers. She had always said that she wanted to be buried with a cross in those conversations that they had late at night after making love; he had always hated to have those conversations, he had never wanted to think of her dying and leaving him, but he was so glad that he had listened. He loved her so much to this very day, he wanted everything to be perfect for her. She deserved perfect, however perfect was in her eyes.

Pulling one foot in front of the other after several moments of silence, Jack slowly took another step towards them. His babies. His precious son and daughter. Standing a foot or so away from their graves, he fell down to his knees and crawled forward towards them...one taller white cross in the center of two smaller ones.

"Sue!" Jack cried, feeling as though his heart was being torn out of his breast, everything inside of him being clenched in the cold hands that had haunted him. "I'm so sorry, honey...I...I'm so sorry," he choked out, falling to his elbows and pulling at his hair with his hands. "Oh, my God! Please, forgive me, God! I should have been there, sweetheart! I should have been there for you...for our children! Oh, God, please forgive me, Sue! I love you so much...I love little Samuel and Susan so much! I...I...should've...protected you! Oh, God, I should have protected you!"

The call telling him of the explosion, the lights of the ambulances and coroner's car pulling up wreaked havoc on his mind and body. He had known that Arif Dessa had been released from his penitentiary on the basis of a loophole in international law. He had put him there and had been the first one that he contacted when he was released and on his way back to his homeland. Something had told him to go home that day, the day he was released and the day that he had lost everything, but he had convinced himself that everything was alright with a single phone call to Sue only moments before his phone rang again.

"Sue...sweety," Jack begged, the pressure in his chest becoming unbearable as his breathing became more and more of a difficult task. "I love you. Samuel...I love you, son. And baby Susan...Daddy loves you baby...even if I only got to have you with me for a few months."

The soft spring breeze caught Jack's hair as he fell full to the ground, his body covering the two small graves and the medium one between them. The pain had beaten him...his chest...his heart had turned on him again. But Jack accepted the pain with open arms. Sue had saved him when he had his last heart attack...and she had saved him again.

_Well hello world, _

_How you been? _

_Good to see you, my old friend. _

_Sometimes I feel as cold as steel, _

_And broken like I'm never gonna heal. _

_And I see a light, a little grace, a little faith unfurls. _

_Well hello world. _

"It was a heart attack, Mr. Manning," the doctor said softly as Bobby tightened his grip around Tara as she fell to pieces, nearly hitting the floor. "The church's janitor called 911 and the ambulance team said that they found him in the grave yard. They said that it looked almost like he was hugging these graves."

"His family," Bobby heard Demetrius say, pulling Lucy to him protectively as her small form wrenched with sobs and Myles stepped up behind her and rested his hands on her shoulders. Lucy turned into his embrace, tears silently falling down his own face. "At least, he died with his family."

"Jack," Bobby said quietly as the doctor turned and left and he pulled Tara to him as they both sank to the floor, feeling the part of him that belonged to his best mate die away painfully with him. "Jack, mate...I love you, mate...but thank God that you can rest now. Take care of him Sue. Take care of them, dear, Lord."

_Sometimes I forget what living's for, _

_And I hear my life through my front door. _

_And I breathe it in. _

_Oh, I'm home again. _

_And I see my wife, _

_Little boy, _

_And little girl. _

_Hello world. _

He had never been able to imagine Heaven. Not like this, at least. He knew of the gates of pearl and the streets of gold...but Sunday school and sermons had never described this to him.

Jack sat contentedly on the gold cobblestones beneath him, looking down at the family that he had left behind him...that they had left behind them. He knew that his human self would have felt sadness, but he could not.

_It'll be alright, _Jack thought silently, watching from Heaven as his best friend on Earth held his friend Tara, as Myles and Lucy finally resolved their issues and found comfort in each other, as Demetrius stood over them all protectively despite the pain and loss on his own face.

"They be alright," Sue said lovingly, slipping behind Jack and resting her chin on his shoulder as she had always done.

Jack reached back a hand to her face and held it steady as he turned to kiss her. He had always known that Sue was as perfect as an angel...she looked exactly as she always had, but in Heaven the angelic glow that he had always sensed around her on Earth could be visibly seen to all.

"Yes," Jack agreed, pulling Sue to settle down in front of him in between his legs. "It will hurt...but they will learn. They love us...and we love them. I can't wait until they can join us."

"But let's let them enjoy their lives," Sue smiled gently, pulling the small bundle that was little Susan closer to her chest as a small toddler of a boy ran up to them giggling. "We have eternity to spend with them after their done."

Jack recieved Samuel into his arms with a broad smile, pulling him closely to his side as he drew Sue and little Susan closer to him. He gently kissed each of the loves of his life on the heads before moving his lips to Sue's.

_I love you_, Jack signed to her.

Every angel was perfect. And his Sue was still perfect to him, in Heaven, deaf and all. Sue was his perfect deaf angel and he could love her just as strongly and unwaveringly as he had been able on Earth...even more so.

_Hello world. _

_Well, the empty disappears, _

_I remember why I'm here. _

_Just surrender and believe. _

_I fall down on my knees. _

_Well hello world. _

_Hello world. _

_Hello world_

"I love you," Bobby said into Tara's ear, the once-blonde hair now gray with their age.

Tara looked over at him from her bed a few feet away in their room at the nursing home. Her brilliant mind was almost gone, Alzheimer's having stolen away so much of her memories. It saddened Bobby when he had to remind her constantly of the wonderful life that they had shared. When he had to remind her that Lucy and Myles and Demetrius and Donna had already joined Jack and Sue with their Heavenly Father. But that was alright...something told him in his heart that they would be joining them soon, too.

His old and withered hands shook visibly as he reached for the handrails of his medical bed and it took more than five minutes for him to manage to stand. The five or so feet between him and his wife was even more challenging.

"Mr. Manning!" the shocked voice of his CNA said loudly when she entered the room and found him half slumped over the side of his wife's bed. "You can't walk! Please, don't get out of your bed."

"Let me sleep with my wife," Bobby insisted weakly, using what little strength he had left in his body to resist the young woman's help. "Please."

"Alright," he heard her say after several moments of silence.

She helped him gently into the bed, a tear falling from Bobby's eye when he saw Tara's weak hand reach for him in a futile attempt to help him. Their caregiver arranged the blankets around them both and pulled up the foot rails, as well.

"I love you too, Bobby," Tara said shakily; the first cognitive sentence that she uttered in nearly a year.

"Hey, Bobby!" Jack called with a broad smile, as he, Sue and their children, Myles and Lucy, and Demetrius and Donna followed closely behind him. Jack reached forward and enveloped both he and Tara in a tight embrace. "It's good to have you back. Welcome home..._mate_."

**Also, I do not own any of the lyrics to the song Hello World; they are the sole property of Lady Antebellum and their recording company. No infringement upon their rights is intended.**

**Ok, I'm not usually one to write a songfic, but I heard this song for the first time today and it made me cry, along with making this story pop into my head. I tried to forget it, but it kept nagging at me, so here it is. I know that this is sort of a popular song, at least in America, but I would suggest to anyone to Google it or something to listen to it. **

**Another Author's Note: This may seem corny to some, but to I still hope that it was enjoyed. Please review. This isn't my usual kind of story, so I would really like to know what everyone thinks.**


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